Don’t Have a Cat Attack!

My pet calls me Hex, but I don’t answer to it. I was rescued many moons ago when my pet found me soaking wet under a pallet. I’m a tuxedo goth teen. I’m an only feline now. My brothers from another mother met their tenth lives; Phil was half Maine Coon, half tabby, and he taught me everything I know about being wild because he survived outside without any front claws! Fur real! I ain’t kitten.. My other brother couldn’t have been more opposite! He was an obese ginger and he was rightfully named Fat Boy. He was such a softie! Oh, how my pet misses those boys. It’s been just me and my pet until.. he fell in love with one of his own kind and they decided to move in together. So, I’ve reluctantly taken in my pet’s stray as my own.. she’s growing on me.. I have to say.

When my pet first transported me to our new dwelling, I instantly felt uneasy, the place gave me the creeps.. all three realms of it! My pet and stray have been easily confused because they’re only used to being within one realm, so I just meow to guide them back to me. Oh, how happy they are when they find me! They’ve settled in nicely and everything’s seemingly purrfect.. but if they only knew.. that this place is infested with.. ghosts! Of course, I’m the only one who can see them, so it’s up to me to keep the phantoms at bay.

I earn my keep around here that’s fur sure.. I’m pulling quadruple duty! Not only am I an Exterminator, Therapist, and Security Guard.. but now, I’ve been assigned a new job: Ghost Hunter! I haven’t received any extra food or treats for the overtime I’ve put in. I repeatedly remind my pet every morning and evening that I deserve more food. Hell, I take full advantage of every opportune moment I can get: whenever he goes in the kitchen or near my bowl.. I scream that I deserve a bonus! He’s a tightwad and never delivers. I’ve even beseeched the stray, she just whispers sweet nothings in my ear, pats my head, and scurries away; I’m wearing her down though.. she’ll crack soon.. I can feel it in my bones.

I’ve lost weight traveling through these three realms day and night. I put my nine lives on the line to protect my pet and stray against these meddling spooks who haunt their dreams.. Or shall I say nightmares?! I tuck the stray into bed every night with my freshly sharpened claws in hopes to keep her and my pet safe. She winces in pain because blood needs to be sacrificed so I can cast a Protection Spell so the apparitions won’t savagely suck out her soul! I don’t want to have to devour her face if she perishes. Of course, I’d be ever grateful for something extra to eat, however.. I don’t know where this stray came from, if she’s been vaccinated, or if she’s even had a recent flea dip! I just can’t take that risk. Ahhh, so tempting though.. I need to remember my mission: Protect my pet and his stray. I cannot let my pet lose his new stray. He’s lost so much already. I must secure her well-being at all costs.

Once my pet and stray are surely asleep, I clock in to work the night shift:

• Cast the Protection Spell
  • smear the crimson life liquid along the wooden snooze frame
  • check under frame for any Boogey Monsters
  • meow the sacred song of my ancestors
  • frolic around the slumber chamber
  • hiss at the Flying Particle Ghouls to retreat back in the ducts
  • tickle the stray’s face with my whiskers
  • seal it with a sandpaper kiss on the stray’s elbow
• Conduct a Perimeter Check
  • rub against every entryway
  • scratch loose threads on every carpeted floor
  • shake my loose hair follicles onto the hardwood floors
  • sprinkle every rug with my regurgitated fur
  • slink under every piece of furr-niture
  • pounce up and down every staircase between realms
  • scour behind the wet transparent curtain and utilize this time for re-hydration at the leaky faucet
• Secure the Exterior
  • setup guard post on the windowsill for optimal position
  • if view is obstructed, squeeze through the thin horizontal window panels
  • be on the lookout for Squirrel and/or Bird Zombies per the nearby jungle graveyard
  • overturn every potted botanical specimen and spread the soil around because this traps all Supernatural Manifestations in their tracks
  • chase and swat any Flying Bug Specters and squish their entrails about
  • knock every dish off the kitchen counter into sharp shards of glass and cut down the Sanctimonious Spirits
  • inspect discard bins for any food scraps because..

IT’S ALMOST TIME FOR BREAKFAST!!!

When the bright ball in the sky appears and my pet arises, my day shift consequentially begins:

• Break the Protection Spell
  • lick the dry sacrificed blood
  • check for Boogey Monsters
  • meow the sacred song of my ancestors
  • circle around my pet until he steps on my tail
    • wail in agony

[PAWS for dramatic effect]

My pet finally spills food into my bowl and loudly exclaims about the remnants of my back-breaking work I left during the night. I’m glad to hear my pet appreciates the amount of time I invest to keep him and the stray safe. I am extremely flexible, and I always land on my feet. Luckily, all I need is an eight-hour catnap to recover so I can work another night shift!

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I hope the next time you notice your pet’s behavior, especially when their life drastically changes, that you’ll be inquisitive enough to research possible explanations. You may learn something new to help them adjust. If you do, please share any fun facts and/or funny stories you may have in the comments below! I’d love to hear about them! I’m sure my other readers would too!