Internal Climate

Eerily quiet, chilly breeze, soft drizzle, and heavy clouds

My mind has surprisingly quietened

Just like the empty streets in my neighborhood

Oh, how good it feels to be home!

I feel a gentle nuzzle at my side

It’s just Hex

She hasn’t left me alone since I walked..


Walked in the door two weeks ago

She even follows me into the shower now

She sits on the tub ledge in between the two shower curtains

As a woman who runs naturally hot, this change in temperature has been nice

I’ve had the windows open and been enjoying the cool fresh air

I know Houdini does too because he’s sitting in the window sill

The rhythmic beat of rain drops calms my soul

Reminds me of the consistent chirping crickets I play on my sound machine at night to fall asleep to

It’s soothing



The lack of sunlight is reassuring that I have control of the brightness, if I so choose

To lamp or not to lamp?

That is the question

The wet forecast swells

Weighing heavy on my heart

They increase together

In sync with Mother Nature

I take this as I am in tune with my surroundings


The natural music to my ears and mindfulness

I softly whisper to myself:

“This won’t last forever.

Things will get better.

Get yourself together.

Light as a feather.

Simply enjoy this weather.”

My cranium is in a desolate, vast disarray:

Torn out pieces of crumpled paper littered about for as far as I can see

Puddles of spilt milk

Dry, cracked foundation

Overgrown, luscious poison ivy

Echoes of constant barking dogs

Fluttering birds dropping their poop everywhere

Herds of brittle tumbleweeds rolling through the chaos

I start by picking up, flattening out, piling, and filing the pieces of paper

Organizing them largest to smallest

Setting out the wet, transparent ones to dry

I turn up the heat and brightness to help the drying process along

This settles down the birds as they perch upon the file cabinets

This distracts the loud, obnoxious dogs to not focus on the now still birds

The dogs begin to fetch and bring me the strewn parchment

The birds start using their beaks to neatly place the papers in the drawers

I can use all the help I can get

Other pups catch and dismantle the stray tumbleweeds

Other fowls pull the botanical vines and fill in the cracked ground

I discover that who/what were annoyances are now helping me rearrange my messy thoughts

I realize that I’m feeling grateful for silence

I remember that even shit is useful

It fertilizes crappy situations into something beautiful

I notice how even spilt milk nourishes the thirsty mind and body

I carefully glove both hands to push the poison ivy down, further into the cracked crevices

I close my eyes and concentrate as I make the surface tremble together

The pieces align into a smooth leveled path

Illuminating my way to the combined “Enter / Exit” sign

I no longer feel confined in my own streamlined, refined design

The sun begins to brightly shine upon my face

I divinely breathe, “I’m fine.”

Open thine eyes

I sense my feline intertwined nearby

I now decline this benign deadline

I desperately pine for myself

I define this life of mine

Shivers down my spine

I refuse to resign

Rhythm and Rhyme

What songs are on your self-care playlist? 
Choose your favorite lyrics and tell us your story using those lyrics.

“Where words fail, music speaks.” -Hans Christian Andersen

I’ve been struggling with being able to write my blog recently, so this seemed fitting to share. This first song is also featured on my About Blogger section as my self-proclaimed anthem.

♫ ‘Cause I’m a warrior, I fight for my life
Like a soldier all through the night
And I won’t give up, I will survive, I’m a warrior
And I’m stronger, that’s why I’m alive
I will conquer, time after time
I’ll never falter, I will survive, I’m a warrior ♪

I worry about the future because of my anxiety. I’ve redefined myself as not a worrier anymore, but a warrior.

♫ Hush, just stop
There’s nothing you can do or say
I’ve had enough
I’m not your property as from today
You might think that I won’t make it on my own
But now I’m
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I, I’m stronger
Then I ever thought that I could be
I used to go with the flow
Didn’t really care ’bout me
You might think that I can’t take it, but you’re wrong
‘Cause now I’m
Stronger than yesterday ♪

Crying can be perceived as a sign of weakness, however crying demonstrates how strong one is. I’ve been struggling with my emotions. I cry when I’m happy. I cry when I’m sad. I cry when I’m mad. I cry when I am in pain. I cry when I am.. overwhelmed.

♫ (Ou mata e matagi)
I have crossed the horizon to find you
(Ou loto mamaina toa)
I know your name
(Manatu atu)
They have stolen the heart from inside you
(Taku pelepele)
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are ♪
[whispers] Who you truly are

The mix of languages being sung sends chills across my skin. This slow motion scene of the hero/protagonist, Moana, confidently walking toward the villain/antagonist, Te Kā, shows courage because Moana knows deep down that Te Kā will not harm her.

“Hurt people hurt people.”

“Her bark is worse than her bite.” Means that they seem much more unpleasant or hostile than they really are.

I struggle with the light and dark within myself. I am taken back by people who show me grace and understanding during my difficult moments.

♫ I’ve been staring at the edge of the water
‘Long as I can remember
Never really knowing why I wish I could be the perfect daughter
But I come back to the water
No matter how hard I try Every turn I take
Every trail I track
Every path I make
Every road leads back
To the place I know where I cannot go
Where I long to be
See the line where the sky meets the sea?
It calls me
And no one knows
How far it goes
If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me
One day I’ll know
If I go, there’s just no telling how far I’ll go ♪

Why do humans like shiny things? (haha, I know how ironic)
Researchers in the evolutionary aesthetics tradition have suggested that people prefer shiny objects because glossiness connotes water.”

I am drawn to water. I feel at peace when I am near a body of water. I am most comfortable in water. Weightless. Free. My dream home is waterfront.

♫ This is for my girls all around the world
Who have come across a man that don’t respect your worth
Thinkin’ all women should be seen and not heard
So what do we do girls, shout out loud
Lettin ’em know were gonna stand our ground
So lift your hands high and wave ’em proud
Take a deep breath and say it loud
Never can, never will
Can’t hold us down
Nobody can hold us down
Never can, never will ♪

The double standard of how a girl/lady/woman/female should feel, think, speak, behave, &/or dress is exhausting. We are worthy just as any other man.

♫ The whole world’s scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try, try, try
But we try too hard and it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics ’cause they’re everywhere
They don’t like my jeans, they don’t get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that?
Why do I do that?
Yeah, oh, oh pretty, pretty please
Pretty, pretty please, don’t you ever, ever feel
Like you’re less than fuckin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel like you’re nothing
You’re fuckin’ perfect to me, yeah
You’re perfect, you’re perfect ♪

“You may not always be perfect, but you will always be perfect for me.”

Accepting someone as they are, flaws and all, is true unconditional love. Cherish it. I appreciate those who are patient with me. “Thank you for putting up with me.”

♫ Never win first place, I don’t support the team
I can’t take direction, and my socks are never
Teachers dated me, my parents hated me
I was always in a fight cuz I can’t do nothin’
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can’t take the person starin’ back at me
I’m a hazard to myself
Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
It’s bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah ♪

I am my own worst critic. I get stuck inside my head often. I cannot stand to look at my reflection. Being at war with myself is exhausting. I am the bully and the victim. Sometimes, I need to be rescued from.. myself.

♫ When I was a young boy I was scared of growing up
I didn’t understand it but I was terrified of love
Felt like I had to choose but it was outta my control
I needed to be saved, I was going crazy on my own
It took me years to tell my mother, I expected the worst
I gathered all the courage in the world
She said, “I love you no matter what
I just want you to be happy and always be who you are”
She wrapped her arms around me
Said, “Don’t try to be what you’re not
‘Cause I love you no matter what”
She loves me no matter what ♪

I didn’t have to come out to my parents. My mom said she already knew:

“Ever since you were young, I noticed you have so much love to give. I knew your love was for.. everyone. Not just the opposite sex.”

If that doesn’t explain accepting and loving me “no matter what,” I don’t know what does. As for my dad, when my mom asked him about my sexuality, he simply said, “Her sex life is none of my business.” Well, there ya have it. My folks accept me “no matter what.”

♫ We don’t have time left to regret, hold on
And well take more than common sense, hold on
So stop your wondering, take a stand, hold on
‘Cause there’s more to life than just to live, hold on
‘Cause an empty room can be so loud
There’s too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
One single smile, a helping hand, hold on
Its not that hard to be a friend, hold on
So don’t give up, stand ’til the end, hold on
‘Cause there’s more to life than just to live, hold on
‘Cause an empty room can be so loud
There’s too many tears to drown them out
So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on ♪

When I am in physical pain, I hold onto my own hand and squeeze it. I hold on. I hold on for dear life and endure until it passes.

♫ I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming
But, there’s a voice inside my head saying
You’ll never reach it
Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I, I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb
The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No, I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments, that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on ♪

Progress isn’t a straight line or level for that matter. It’s an upwards climb with many obstacles along the way. There may be times where I lose, but I have to keep trying and not let my struggles break my spirit. Rise above the bullshit and face it head on.

♫ Party girls don’t get hurt
Can’t feel anything, when will I learn?
I push it down, push it down
I’m the one “for a good time call”
Phone’s blowin’ up, ringin’ my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

One, two, three, one, two, three, drink 3x
Throw ’em back ’til I lose count

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier
From the chandelier
I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist
Like it doesn’t exist
I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night
Feel my tears as they dry
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier
From the chandelier

But I’m holding on for dear life
Won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life
Won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight, on for tonight

Sun is up, I’m a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

One, two, three, one, two, three, drink 3x
Throw ’em back ’til I lose count

I’m gonna swing from the chandelier
From the chandelier
I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist
Like it doesn’t exist
I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night
Feel my tears as they dry
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier
From the chandelier

But I’m holding on for dear life
Won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Help me, I’m holding on for dear life
Won’t look down, won’t open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight, on for tonight

‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Oh, I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight, on for tonight
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight
‘Cause I’m just holding on for tonight
Oh, I’m just holding on for tonight
On for tonight, on for tonight ♪

I included all of the lyrics for this song because the repetition is important for addiction. It’s a vicious cycle. Filling up on a substance to feel empty inside. Where your ultimate goal is to forget your own memories. Unfortunately, all you’re doing is creating more problems instead finding a healthy solution.

Recipe for Healing

Prep time: 30 minutes


Lifetime to execute

Handful of Patience

Drop some Bad Habits

Sprinkle Kindness generously*

Pour your Heart out

Crack a Smile or two

Rise to the occasion

Hint of Sarcasm

Smidgen of Forgiveness

Heap o’ Self-Love*

Give zero Fucks about what others think of you

*Don’t scrimp on that Good Shit

• Knead it all together

• Fold in the heap o’ Self-Love carefully

• Chill in the fridge for an hour

• Bust a move to your favorite tune

• Alcohol optional

• We recommend Ginger Ale as an alternative

Once you achieve a solid foundation, use cookie cutter shapes to make your own individual piece to taste test. Now, take that perfectly shaped piece and.. throw it on the ground! You are meant to live outside the Cookie Cutter World!

Fuck those unrealistic expectations others put on you. Life is what you make it. Might as well make it interesting! If it’s edible and you can stomach through it, then..


Set aside time to make more peace, music, art, memories, and room for those who fulfill you.. not drain you. Weed out the undesirables. Healing begins and ends with Y-O-U!

We don’t just deal to heal.

We feel.

Not conceal.


Wheel of emotions.

Kneel to The Guy in the Sky.

Peel back the layers.

Some may not be appealing.

Others.. surreal!

You’ve gone through quite an ordeal.

Whoa, unreal,” they squeal!

Do everything with zeal.

Don’t be afraid to steal the spotlight!

I’ll save ya the spiel.

You’re right, it’s not ideal.

I’ll reel ya in with a Meal Mobile.

Overflowing with bread heels.

Hope your stomach is made of steel.

Let’s seal it with a Chef’s Kiss!

Spare Change

I don’t do well with change. I like order. I live by my schedule. I prefer structure. I love consistency. I think it has to do with my OCD. Any type of interruptions to my routine is like wreaking havoc to my very core. I have to talk my irrational mind down from the ledge because I know it’ll all work out and things will be okay. I. Will. Be. Okay. After some convincing, I see another day without giving up.

I would like to change my job situation because I am underemployed. While I’m thankful for being paid to do a temporary job that is in high demand during this global pandemic; I assist registered nurses and respiratory therapists with onboarding to hospitals and now vaccination clinics across the country. We’re busy, which is great.. “job security,” whatever that means. I’ve applied/interviewed for four permanent positions at this company I’m temping for and haven’t gotten an offer yet, which is frustrating. Trying to maintain work/life balance, keep my sanity, yet trying to prove I’m worth hiring. It’s taking a toll on my confidence. I’m afraid I’ll keep hearing: “No,” or hearing nothing at all. It’s just discouraging.

I’d like to have a change of scenery: a long overdue, extended, overseas holiday to explore nature, museums, seeing all the sights, and fall in love with life again. It may help put things in perspective. Do I work to live? Or live to work? I live to.. live! Money may make the world go round, but I create the currency and I spend my time the way I so choose!

I refuse.. to conform.

I’ma light a fuse.. under my ass.

Not to amuse you.

Don’t get it confused.

No more excuses.

All the interviews.

Ya know, the who’s who?

Gotta pay my dues.

Year long blues.

Fuck the news!

All I wanna do is cruise and schmooze.

Plot another ruse.

Where’s the booze?

Hit the snooze.

Prepare to lose.

Step in my shoes.

I’ll be your muse.

We’ve all got screws loose.

We need to diffuse society’s warped views.

Just don’t abuse.. your power.

I bruise.. easily.

Care Bear Stare

Share a moment of kindness from a stranger that meant a lot to you.

Summer of ’96, the sun was shining, birds were chirping, and my block was busy with activities. Neighbors washing their cars, mowing their lawns, planting flowers, catching some rays, running in sprinklers, and music blaring from open windows. I chose to ride my bike with no helmet, no pads, and no worries! I was a mismatched nine-year-old sportin’ neon patterns and untamed frizzy hair.

I didn’t care.

Just getting some fresh air.

My destination was: Nowhere.. in particular.

I was caught unaware of the uneven concrete square up ahead.

I was sent airborne.

Every kid’s nightmare.

Aaahhh!!!” I declared.

All I could do was stare.. in despair.

How unfair!

My banged up hardware.

A pair of bloody elbows, knees, palms, and I swear..

a solitaire scrape on my chin.

Quite a few tears on my now tattered clothes.

To be fair, I looked scared!

I heard a sudden stop of a vehicle on my left, which I thought was in err.

My brain was signaling: “BEWARE!

Guess my accident sent up a simultaneous flare for urgent care.

This prepared young couple glared at me, they tended to my wounds, and bandaged me up here and there.

I felt safe seeing they traveled as a family affair; with toddlers in their mobile chairs.

How rare of these parents to share their kindness with me.

I dare to spare a moment for children’s welfare.








Smooches from my man as he turns off his alarm is the best way to start the day.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

He means more to me than I could say.

I know.. how cliché!

Okay, here we go.. Another weekday.

Oh, how I wish I could stay in bed, but nay.

Gotta slay the day!

Gotta pay those bills!

Oy vey!

Hit that snooze display.

Ugh, a ray of sunshine!

Creepin’ in to say: “Hey! Don’t delay!”

I just splay across the semi-empty bed and play with my kitties!


To my dismay, they betray me by biting and scratching.

How rude!

The array of thoughts swimming in my head: “What time is it?”

“How many hours of sleep did I get?”

“What time did I pass out last night?”

More questions than answers.

Broadway zen reggae fleeting from that magical pocket box.

I hit the snooze display.. again.

My mind has gone astray, probably off playing croquet, instead of having morning foreplay.

Oooh, how risqué!

I’m in need of a three-way soirée with a gourmet brunch buffet:

a hot tea tray, fluffy soufflé, granola parfait, sweet sorbet, alcoholic puree, and all the sautéed entrées!

I may even need an after sex cigarette. Where’s the ashtray?

Ugh, I smell padre’s coffee café from the hallway.

Balancing ballet breathing from the parquet.

I hit the snooze display.. again.

Instant replay.

Gotta get up to portray myself, simply obey, and not stray from the gray.

I’m gonna hit that Life Runway.. and sashay away!

Dude, Where’s My Valet?


Grab your partner, do-si-do!

Life is a dance; whether you have two left feet or..


“Happiness is only real when shared.”
-Christopher McCandless

I highly recommend this movie (or book, if you rather) because it resonated with me on many levels. As good as your intentions are, no matter how knowledgeable you may be; life is unpredictable.

What's something you had to learn the "hard way" - but that you're happy you know now?

Not to stew in my own misery.

I had to learn that the hard way.

I had to learn to not to feed the monster.

Conflict with myself.

Internal battles.

Fight against my rational mind vs my OCD.

Every little thing bothered me.

They built up rather quick and I had to address every single one.

I took it out on everyone around me too.

Watch out.

I was always on a warpath.

Better brace yourself if you were in my way.

“Hell hath no fury like a woman [scorned].”

You’ve been warned.

Avoid being thorned.

I have not mourned..

who I was.

I have only adorned..

my progress.

It was easier to just lash out and drink myself into the bottom of a bottle.

I’m happy I recognized I needed help.

Sought it.

Fought it.

Bought it.

And thought it..

all started inside..


Feelings become thoughts.

Thoughts become words.

Words become actions.

Actions become habits.

Habits have consequences.

I learned to follow the trail.

Stop it in its tracks.

I had to be taught how to function properly..

for my own sanity.

If I didn’t enjoy my own company..

why would anybody else?

It took years of therapy, deep digging, and internal reflection to learn how to be alone.

It was scary being by myself and not hate myself every second.

Every second seemed like an hour.

I’m happy to know now that I was worth the trouble.

I deserved a second chance.

A second glance.

A second enhance.

A second romance.

Happy dance!

What are the non-negotiable traits that your [future] partner cannot have? What are the things they must have?

Perfect manners
Un-stocked TP
Refuses to engage in any sort of PDA
Toxic masculinity
Poor hygiene habits
Strong hatred toward any group of people
Too political
Too religious
Gym Rat
Wants a trophy wife
Wants me to be their Mama
Has no room for compromise

Silly sense of humor
Has common sense
Financially responsible
Good tipper
Gives constructive criticism
How they treat the wait staff
Animal lover
Likes to play board, card games
Avid reader
Has their own friends/hobbies/interests
Listen = Silent
Does dishes
Not afraid to frolic

The traits I listed above are not for a future partner as the prompt asked because I already have a partner. We’ve been together for four years this upcoming May. Yet, it feels like a lot longer.. in a good way. In the best way, of course! I was also asked: “So, how does your partner compare to the list you wrote?”

I responded without hesitation: “If I had to dream up the ideal partner, Jaimie wouldn’t even compare. He’s more than I ever dreamed of. He set the bar high in teaching me how to be loved; thus helping me love myself.”

“Do you like hanging out with me?”

If you look closely, there’s a bird’s nest in the dinosaur’s mouth!

Sipping on wine, enjoying the view, & singing along to Dean Martin’s “That’s Amore.”

Warning, Warning

See more alleys here
What are some "warning signs" that let you know you pushed your body &/or mind too far?

Locked knees

Strained eyes

Full bladder

Sore ankles

Greasy hair

Heavy heart

Dry, cracked skin

My patience is wearing thin

What have I gotten myself in.. to?

Same lounge wear

Dammit, a tear!

It isn’t fair

Shaky hands

Elastic waistbands

I’m in such high demand

Yet, any day, I’ll be canned

Getting lost.. in Wonderland.

Brain fart

Stumbling to speak.. my mind.

Word vomit




Beyond needing a rest

I’m doing my best

It’s weighing on my chest

All. Of. It.

I can’t seem to keep up.

If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

Don’t press the red..head[ed] button!


I used to cry to get out of trouble as a kid.

When I was scared.

When I didn’t get my way.

I would cry myself to sleep..

Because I’d be worrying..

About what happened that day..

The day before..

The next day..

Or my days in the future.

I used to say: “Well, I didn’t cry today, so it’s a good day!”

Hell, I still say that..

On my bad days.

I don’t cry at funerals.

That’s when I laugh the most..

To be honest.

I feel I have to lighten the mood.

Even though..

“It’s super inappropriate [to do so],” some say.

I cry when I get mad because I’m a lover..

Not a fighter.

And I’m terrified of jail.

Ugly crying.

Snotty crying.

Can’t breathe, can’t speak crying.

Non-stop wet tears.

Dry tears..

Because I have no more tears left to cry.

Secluded crying.

Look at yourself in the mirror crying.

Group crying.

Public crying.

It all feels the same.

It’s an emotional release.

Screaming crying.



Not wiping your tears crying.

Short burst crying.

Too long crying.

Hiding your tears.

Hiding your fears.

Beet red ears.

Soaked in embarrassment.

Doing the walk of shame.

Shrugging it off.

Dusting it off.

Faking it.

Denying it.

The evidence is there.

Own up to it.

Audience or not.

Just let it flow.

Get it out.

Don’t bottle up your emotions.




Bottle up your tears..

And drink it.


Two Cents

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

“Don’t over-think it.”

“It’s not you, it’s them.”

But the common denominator is..



They, them..

Me, me, me, me, me..


There I go..



“No one thinks more about you.. than you. They’re too busy thinking about.. themselves.”

I’m sure I don’t even cross their mind.

You’re right.

That’s true.

“Don’t be blue.”

“Be you.”

Be unapologetically you!

“Only say sorry with purpose and sincerity. The more the word “sorry” is thrown around, it loses its value.”

“Less is more.”

In more ways than one.







My anxiety and depression make it difficult to follow the pieces of advice I believe in because it’s a constant internal battle.

I care too much..

About everything.

I don’t care..

About anything.

It’s like living in my own personal hell.

I am the bully and the victim.

Sprinkle in my OCD to keep things interesting.

I kick my own ass.

Knock some sense into myself.

Hey, it’s okay..

I deserve it.

“Instead of giving yourself a pep talk in a mirror. Look at a photo of yourself.. as a child.. and give her a pep talk [your best advice]. It forces you to change your tone, huh?”

Be kind to her.

She’s you.

“Be kind to yourself.”

She’s doing her best.

And so are you!